Accepting Discomfort

I know that getting surgery on my toe is the least invasive place I could need it, and I guess I should be thankful for that, but I'm really not good at accepting things. 

I took a meditation class this week and the instructor took us through a "body scan" asking if certain areas felt "good, uncomfortable, or neutral." If they felt uncomfortable, she encouraged us to stay with that area for the moment, breathe through it, accept it, and see if it felt better. 

It made me realize I have not been accepting my problems very well lately. I get mad at my body for causing trouble--I get so mad I literally hate myself. All that negativity doesn't help. I know that the tension and stress I am adding to an already tense and stressful situation isn't good. The pain in my foot is not just going to go away. I have to accept that I will have to face my fear of evil doctors wielding torturous sharp objects to get it taken care of. I have to be brave, patient, and breathe through it. I may never be a positive thinker, but I can certainly work on being more accepting of the occasional discomfort.

DIY Decor: Fanned Paper Wheels

On our way through the mall the other day, I couldn't help but notice a window display (I think at the GAP), that involved a wall covered in fanned wheels made from magazines. I liked the modern, recycled, Asian-inspired look of the display and mentally noted that I would try making them myself for funky and free wall art.

When we got home I took an old, colorful Crate & Barrel store circular and got to work. When Tommie asked what I was doing, I said, "I'm making a window display," but I think he tuned me out because he seems surprised when he found them hanging on our bedroom wall.

The project is simple and goes back to elementary craft skills of making paper fans--it's just a lot of folding back and forth until you have enough "fans" to make a complete circle. I then wove a piece of thread through the bottom of each fan and used double-sided tape to seal the wheel. I hung them up with a tack.

A full "display" would look even better but I suppose it's not necessary for one's bedroom. A circular like Crate & Barrel worked well because it was a good size (8x10) and had a lot of colorful images in it. The big wheel is made of full pages, while the small one is pages cut in half. The best part is that its free and recyclable.

New Computer, Old Soul

Over the weekend Tommie and I bit the bullet and bought me/us a new laptop (13" MacBook Pro). It was time for my old iBook from the college years to retire considering I could make myself breakfast in the time it took to open photos or navigate a couple Web pages.  

I am getting used to the new laptop--loving the clearer, brighter screen, the light up keyboard, and of course the increased speed. Apparently this thing can do a lot more, but I'm probably not the best person to test it.

When you go to the Apple store to purchase a computer they help with personal setup. Helping me setup took twice as long as helping elderly couples who were in and out of there before I could even get my username to work. Tommie kept slapping his forehead in pain. I asked the Mac genius if he thought I could get a job there. He didn't answer.

In my defense, my previous Mac was so old that I didn't have updated information that was compatible with the new one. Against my defense, I have never been good with technology. It's the old mind, the creative soul, the defender of dying arts against the new engineers who would rather see novels written in HTML code. Computers "know" this about me and I'm telling you they rebel--they are very smart, and maybe I rebel back, but I'm not admitting to anything.

When we got home, Tommie set up my computer to make sure it didn't self destruct and Maya spent more time sitting at it than I did. I sat on the floor and made paper pinwheel art out of old magazines (more on that later) because I saw them in a window display on the way to the Apple store earlier that day and got inspired. As Tommie said, "You are the only person who gets a new computer and goes home to make paper wheels." True.

Mrs. Meltdown

I've had a few meltdowns recently--just your typical uncontrollable tears and ramblings of a crazy lady PMSing, worrying about the future, scared to have surgery in a few weeks, and cursing the cold months that make us all a little extra bitter this time of year.

We all know who really suffers when this happens...our significant other. What are they supposed to do or say? Any word or sudden movement risks sending us even further off the deep end. And really, don't we just need to get it all out? Are we really looking for logical advice or help? No.

After 12 years, Tommie is starting to understand this. He used to try to present logical arguements about why my world wasn't coming to an end, which only upset me more, but the other day he sat quietly then said, "Well, I'm here for you," and that's really all I wanted to hear.

Times like these, I am glad to have someone that I can count on. It's not easy for an independent person to rely on the help of another, but I have to do it sometimes and I'd rather it be someone I trust second in line to myself.

I think it's fair to say my Mom is more concerned about Tommie's well being than my own right now...which is okay...he needs the backup. She knows he's patient and more understanding than she is of my irrational (though rational to me) fears and complaints. Poor Tommie has a wife and a dog who whine and whimper whenever they have to go to the doctor or get scared.

I know things will get better; life will go on; spring will come again...it's just going to be a tough few months. I'm lucky to have someone who will wait it out with me, even through the meltdowns.

Making Moves in 2012

2011 was another busy year. I took a new job and a new name; traveled to California, North Carolina, Chicago, and Turkey; I worried about my mom's health, planned a wedding, and finally got to see a show with male dancers (I'm not ashamed to admit this was a major life goal).

Sometimes the upcoming year looks blank and I fill it in as I go along, but at the start of 2012 I already foresee challenges and plans unraveling in front of me.

Maybe it's our age, maybe it's marriage, maybe it's mental instability--whatever the reason, Tommie and I feel like we're not quite in the right place to achieve our next life goals. Tommie wants a job that truly makes a difference locally, globally, or anyway. We want to make a comfortable living so we can start thinking about things like homeownership and foster care/adoption. 

I will always consider myself lucky to be able to call a place like this home, but because it is home it can also be too comfortable at times; it can be stunting; and it holds a lot of baggage. It is hard to say it, but home's role might be just that--a place that will keep our childhood sacred, a place we know like the back of our hands, and a place that loves us as much as it torments us.

We don't have a definite plan for 2012 yet; first comes fixing my foot and being there for my mom, then we will have to deal with the restlessness brewing inside us. It's hard for us to know what's right, and it's hard for our families to understand, but we've been in a holding pattern here, circling the same issues over and over. I think 2012 will be our year to reevaluate and make some moves.