30/30: Butter

October 14th

It's actually really hard to think of different things to do every day for a month--especially on weekdays.  This is how one ends up having a butter-themed night.

It all started when Tommie decided we should cook something we've never cooked before so he simmered some chicken thigh meat in Indian butter sauce and I made rice with butter and fresh ground turmeric.  

Then I remembered that one of my co-workers recently told me I should watch the movie Butter about an older foster child and the couple who adopts her.  I was looking for a good time to watch it, so I ran with the butter theme.  The movie was okay--a little too much over-acting, but the girl's story was cute.

So, this is how we ended up watching Butter, eating butter chicken with butter rice followed by ice cream with peanut butter sauce and calling it a night.

Meeting a Foster Family

As a woman of childbearing age who does not want to bear her own children, I often find myself doing a tricky dance around the subject. Explaining to people that fostering and/or adopting is my first choice for creating a family is like telling people I'd rather walk across the country than take a plane or a car. It's a much harder route. Why would I do that?

Last week, I went to the doctor and listened to the "make sure you take those folic acid pills for the future baby" lecture I have heard a million times before. In the past, I would launch into a counter speech, but at some point I realized that my doctors didn't believe me; didn't understand me, and they definitely didn't care to listen to my anti-childbirth diatribe. This time, I just nodded my head, while thinking about how ironic it was that later that night Tommie and I were headed over to a couple's house to learn about the foster care system.

This couple, still in their 30's, has four children of their own and has fostered five children over the past few years. It was a welcome change to be able to discuss our plans openly with people and get their firsthand account. Even though the process is as emotional as one would expect, and the system is as frustrating as most systems are, talking to this couple made me more excited about the idea. 

People ask why put in the effort when the kids assigned to you are likely to leave after a such short time? 

After discussing one of their most difficult good-byes with a pair of siblings they thought they were going to get to adopt, the husband we were talking to looked at his wife and said, "Don't you feel like the kids were in a much better position after being with us than when they arrived?" And she answered, "They were." And if that's all I do, it's worth it.

The woman left me with a list of books to check out. I'll share them here for anyone who might be interested.

* "One Small Boat" and "Another Place at the Table," by Kathy Harrison
* "Three Little Words," by Ashely Rhodes-Courter
* "Damaged" and "Happy Kids," by Cathy Glass

I Prefer Books Over PreNatal Vitamins

I'm a planner, which is why I have started to read books on foster care and adoption so I have a better understanding of the road Tommie and I plan to head down when it comes to "having kids." Some of the books are memoirs, some are more informative, and they're all interesting. 

As I got my stitches ripped out of my foot yesterday and the doctor attempted to seal up the wound that had been torn open again, all I could think about (and talk about because when I'm nervous and in pain I ramble) was how incredibely thankful I am that I planned all along NOT to have my own children. Honestly, I don't care if it makes me a giant sissy, or crazy, or hard to understand. There is no doubt in my mind that it is the right decision for me and if I am going to have kids, it is the way I was destined to have them. 


I know I'm lucky to have a husband who supports and even encourages this decision. Not only is Tommie glad he gets to keep the use of his hands (I think I tried to break one yesterday based on my foot pain alone), he is also very socially conscious and believes in helping others. 

Instead of reading "What to Expect When You're Expecting" (which is like a horror novel to me), here's a list of books I'm checking out that relate to the alternative:

- Adopting the Older Child, by Jewett

- Scars That Can Heal, by Louis

- Another Place at the Table, by Harrison

- The Stork Market, by Riben

- Nobody's Children, by Bartholet

- Like Family, McLain

- Growing Up in the Care of Strangers, by Brown/Seita

- Memoirs of a Baby Stealer, by Callahan

- Three Little Words, by Rhodes-Courter


Leave a comment if you come across or know of any others!

Baby Talk

Everyone who has been engaged knows that when people hear you are getting married they don't just stop at asking you a million questions about your wedding...they move onto questions about your life plans: "So, have you two talked about when you're going to have kids?"

I hear it from family, the dentist, hairstylists and strangers. Maybe other people don't mind being asked this question because they have the answer everyone wants to hear, which is: "We'll enjoy being 'newlyweds' for a couple years, then have babies." The problem is, Tommie and I are far from "newlyweds" (being together for 200 years) and our plan for kids is adoption. Try explaining all this to your dental hygienist as she flosses your teeth.

I'm getting used to the strange looks I get, the assumptions that I can't have kids of my own, and the insults. What begins as an inadvertent insult to me: "Well, it would be a big mistake not to have at least one of your own children and miss the experience" turns into me inadvertently insulting them because I have to explain that I honestly could care less about the experience. In the end, the other person doesn't understand me so they just recite the Nike slogan, "Just do it!" and I have to smile and pretend I will because that's easier for them to handle. But the truth is I have always wanted kids, just not my own.
People want to know why and I don't have one definitive answer but I can think of two videos I saw as a child that helped shaped my decisions. The first, The Miracle of Life confirmed that childbirth was actually more disgusting than I could have imagined. On the most basic level, childbirth makes me sick. More power to all the women who are brave enough to go through it but it's not for me. Maybe I was supposed to be a dude, maybe I was supposed to be an inanimate object like a rock, but instead I was born a woman with the brain of a man or a rock and the thought of another living being growing inside one's stomach and coming out their crotch sounds like the worst thing that could ever happen to a person.

The second video was a news special about China's one-child rule and how so many baby girls were being abandoned in that country because if they had to choose one child, families would rather have a boy. This confirmed that I would much rather help children that are already alive. There are millions of children in every country that need loving homes. On top of that, we are living in a world that is dangerously overpopulated as it is. Why should I add to that problem?
When I think about having my own child, I want to curl up and die, but when I think about adoption I get excited...the way I imagine most women get excited about the thought of having their own. I have no doubt in my mind I would love an adopted child all the same (possibly even more because they didn't tear out of my who-who). I know it sounds strange to most women because it goes against that instinct to carry a baby, but I wish some people would stop to think that maybe some women don't feel the same way they do. Just because I have a uterus doesn't mean I have to use it or that I want to use it. This blog post is for other women who feel like this, of which I realize there are few, and for the people who struggle to understand them. It's not that difficult in my view...ultimately we all want the same thing, we just go through different means to get there and I'm okay with that.